CCTI Here I Come!

Yes, I always have to be differently dressed than anyone else at special dressy functions.  Call me weird or an attention whore, but I love doing different clothing themes for events like this.  It makes me feel good and shows other wives at these events that they can do something out of the ordinary, but just as dressy.  Pictures will follow!

Over A Year?!

I apologize for letting this blog go so long without a single post. Life has been extremely chaotic with family drama that has resulted in one of my sisters crawling back into the hellhole she so desperately wanted to escape from. Apparently she decided that it was easier to go back to her old life instead of working hard to make her life better. We gave her the opportunity to make that happen with all the support she wanted, but in the end she just does not want to work for anything. I'm very disappointed, sad, and angry that I basically lost her, but I also realize that she is an adult (even at 19 years old) and she can make her own decisions no matter how terrible those choices are. If I had been able to gain custody of her when she was a child, I know she would have become a much better person. I chide myself for not at least trying. Who knows what the future brings, maybe she will want me back in her life. I can only hope she will. I miss her.

My other kid sister (she's 26 ha ha!) will be moving in with us in mid-December! I'm flying to Denver (she lives in Fort Collins, CO) to help her pack up and drive back to Virginia. I'm so excited! We are in the process of painting her room and installing new flooring before she gets here. I haven't seen her in quite a few years, but we have grown much closer over the last 6-7 years. She has accomplished so much: gone back to school, dealing with a boyfriend who has an addiction problem (he has since gone back to Idaho thankfully), and she has become a very responsible woman. She will be here for Giftmas, I can't wait!

In the next few months I will be having a hysterectomy. My periods have been ruling my life and ruining my intimate relationship with my husband. Painful and lasting 3 weeks each month is more than I can take. My marriage is much more important than trying and failing to get pregnant. It is a finality that has been a long time coming. Fifteen years to be exact. My Mom (bless her heart) offered to give us money to go IVF, but we don't want to go through this type of grueling procedure. Erik and I do not want to be raising a child into our post-CG years because he would be nearly 70 by the time a child of ours would go off to college. It might be selfish of us, but we have so many things we want to do in our lives that a having a child would not be possible. We just don't have the drive to be parents.

Our mindset was that if happened, great, but if it didn't happen for us that's is great as well. We will always have the option to adopt and they are so many children in the system that need a loving and safe home. I would rather help those children.

We have a great life and it will only get better as the years go by. My love for Erik runs so deep, deeper than the Marianas Trench or the great canyon on Mars. I will go to any length to keep him happy, even if it meant giving up my life. I know he feels the same. He shows it everyday.

So that's the big news here. The holidays are upon us! I hope each and every one of you have an excellent holiday season!

Long time, long time

I've been crazy busy these last few months and life will stay this busy for quite some time! Which is just fine, but I do need to chill out and relax every so often.

Starting to really get disappointed every month that passes with nothing happening. It's very discouraging. Had a conversation with my Grandmother recently and she says she is hoping for at least 24 great-grandchildren. Yeah, she said 24.

Sometimes I think about all the pros vs cons with having a child and it's damn scary. Then I just give up, to hell with this venture. I don't need to procreate to be happy, which I don't truthfully, but then I think of all the wonderful things about being a parent. I think about the awesome parents Erik and I will be if this happens for us, then a sadness sets in because of the infertility issues I have. I feel like I let my family down and that makes me angry, pissed off.

I'm starting to think about adoption more seriously. We haven't discussed that possibility and probably won't for a few more years. I don't know, I'd just like this to happen for us without any more complications in this aspect of our lives. I've had too many surgeries and treatments for this issue without any success.

When I think back to my ectopic in 2001, I get frustrated and angry. I went through a 6 hour surgery to repair my left tube and a long recovery period for it to end up a failed attempt 2 years later. Maybe it's time I talked to my doctor to see a specialist.

Where's a magic wand when you need one?

It's Here Again!

And with a vengeance. I don't expect anything actually. My latest blood test reveals NORMAL hormones, so you know what that means? I never had PCOS, but irregular periods and hormone levels due to how fat I was. All of those "symptoms" I was told I had that confirmed a diagnosis of PCOS don't even exist anymore and I'm not sure they ever did. Dark hair growth on an Italian female isn't unusual in the least. I've always had dark hair growth. ALWAYS. Idiot GYN in SINY. Once again a doctor that didn't LISTEN to a fucking word I said.

On a much lighter note.... I'm taking a trip to VA next week for my LAST surgeon's visit! The 28th officially marks 1 year since I had my gastric bypass procedure. I'm going to be finishing up the much needed painting inside the house and continuing the rehabilitation of the yards thanks to some unmentionables. A lovely dinner with some good friends and SHOPPING! I'm hoping it will be warm enough to go to the riverside beach one of the days I'm at the house. I could use some sand, sun, and my book for a few hours.

Spring has started up here and it looks very pretty so far! Planted a lot of seedlings - basil, oregano, cilantro, peppers, tomatoes, kitty grass, and Italian parsley. I already had catnip in my kitchen window during the winter for the kitties. In addition to my herbs, I have three HUGE hyacinths seeping its fragrance throughout the whole kitchen. When the window is open the breeze blows its scent through the rest of the middle floor of the house. I love it! It reminds me of my Grandmom. She tended a family owned greenhouse in the spring and fall until a few months before she died in 1990. The smell makes me sad and happy at the memories of her. Almost 20 years later and I still miss her tremendously.

Carry on with the baby making!

Balanced Now?

Ok. Hopefully, this whole nearly-no period and a hell-on-wheels period for the last 2 months will have balanced, I hope.

It's been 3 months since I stopped taking my BCPs, so it should be out of my system by now. Are we Tabula Rasa now? I think yes.

Yeaaahhhhhh

Wait a few days and yeahhhhhhh! We're making up for last month's nearly no-show. Like another CG wife posted a few days ago, uteri suck! I don't have any "fat bloated" sweatpants left, so I've ganked a pair of PIE's. Went clothes shopping yesterday before the bloating swung into full force - 3 shirts and 1 pair of jeans at Kohl's for $16.80, 2 cute as hell dresses (1 for NOLA), several bras and panties, and 3 tops plus a set of beer mugs for $100 at Ross.



On a rather sour note, I keep hearing the "She doesn't deserve a child" whispers. My response to that is, "At least I've proven that I can take care of and love another living being aside from my husband and myself without selfishness, attention whoring, or seeking approval or acceptance from other people." What anyone deserves sure as shit isn't up to you and darwin forbid if it ever was, the whole world would be in chaos thanks to your overwhelming density.

*kisses*

Hasn't come back yet.

No period. No positive test either. Based on last month's cameo it should be here tomorrow, but with how PCOS works and the fertility issues I've had since I was AD, it would not surprise me if my period does not show up even though a preg test indicates a negative result.

Er..ok....

Well, that was a pretty short period. Ended on 1/7. Watch, it will come back next week.

It amazes me at how many hits I get on this blog from people who hate me, I mean really have a strong dislike for me. Check out this link that I got from someone who visited this very blog:

http://www.google.com/search?q=why+peoplehate+the+childfree&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&client=safari

This search on google is how they found me, so everyone wave to Ms. Woodhaven, NY!

I'm so pleased that all of you haters come and visit me on a daily basis! *MUWAH*

*waves*

A week early! It's cool because now I won't be raggin' on my birthday! Having fun practicing, but then who doesn't?! I think I've miss counted - really need to get that book TCOYF.

I'm so excited to get my first steel-boned corset next week! Gorgeous craftsmanship and quality brocade material. It's a beautiful example of a Victorian style corset. When I tried it on back in November, it relieved some of my back pain. Strange, but not unheard of. I've been told by a few corset builders that they help improve posture. It was very comfortable, which I did not expect.


I want to get my kitties a new scratching post this year - maybe I could find a free one on a pet discussion board or craig's list. Possibly PIE could build one? He's handy and very talented with stuff like that for our furbabies.

Continued thoughts and good luck wishes for all of my friends who are TTCing. It will happen for all of us, we just have to be patient - never has been one of my virtues. Love to all!

Damn.

I just realized that I'll have my period for my birthday - maybe. Damn it all to effing hell. At least I'll be able to eat at one of my favorite restaurants - The Fat Canary! That place is phenominal! And I'll be able to put MY HOUSE back together. Carpets will be getting cleaned to rid the beagle smell and I'm going to paint it some decent colors. I have some paint already bought for the front room and hallway. Oooooo I can't wait!

Might even rake some leaves while we're down there. Ankh will be going with us too. She'll be so glad to romp around her yard again. Need to clean up Hooba's grave too.

We may have positive test? Maybe? Keep fingers crossed.