Vicissitudes

CCTI Here I Come!

2010-10-27T10:19:00.002-04:00

Yes, I always have to be differently dressed than anyone else at special dressy functions. Call me weird or an attention whore, but I love doing different clothing themes for events like this. It makes me feel good and shows other wives at these events that they can do something out of the ordinary, but just as dressy. Pictures will follow!

Over A Year?!

2010-10-25T08:35:00.002-04:00

I apologize for letting this blog go so long without a single post. Life has been extremely chaotic with family drama that has resulted in one of my sisters crawling back into the hellhole she so desperately wanted to escape from. Apparently she decided that it was easier to go back to her old life instead of working hard to make her life better. We gave her the opportunity to make that happen with all the support she wanted, but in the end she just does not want to work for anything. I'm very disappointed, sad, and angry that I basically lost her, but I also realize that she is an adult (even at 19 years old) and she can make her own decisions no matter how terrible those choices are. If I had been able to gain custody of her when she was a child, I know she would have become a much better person. I chide myself for not at least trying. Who knows what the future brings, maybe she will want me back in her life. I can only hope she will. I miss her.

My other kid sister (she's 26 ha ha!) will be moving in with us in mid-December! I'm flying to Denver (she lives in Fort Collins, CO) to help her pack up and drive back to Virginia. I'm so excited! We are in the process of painting her room and installing new flooring before she gets here. I haven't seen her in quite a few years, but we have grown much closer over the last 6-7 years. She has accomplished so much: gone back to school, dealing with a boyfriend who has an addiction problem (he has since gone back to Idaho thankfully), and she has become a very responsible woman. She will be here for Giftmas, I can't wait!

In the next few months I will be having a hysterectomy. My periods have been ruling my life and ruining my intimate relationship with my husband. Painful and lasting 3 weeks each month is more than I can take. My marriage is much more important than trying and failing to get pregnant. It is a finality that has been a long time coming. Fifteen years to be exact. My Mom (bless her heart) offered to give us money to go IVF, but we don't want to go through this type of grueling procedure. Erik and I do not want to be raising a child into our post-CG years because he would be nearly 70 by the time a child of ours would go off to college. It might be selfish of us, but we have so many things we want to do in our lives that a having a child would not be possible. We just don't have the drive to be parents.

Our mindset was that if happened, great, but if it didn't happen for us that's is great as well. We will always have the option to adopt and they are so many children in the system that need a loving and safe home. I would rather help those children.

We have a great life and it will only get better as the years go by. My love for Erik runs so deep, deeper than the Marianas Trench or the great canyon on Mars. I will go to any length to keep him happy, even if it meant giving up my life. I know he feels the same. He shows it everyday.

So that's the big news here. The holidays are upon us! I hope each and every one of you have an excellent holiday season!

Long time, long time

2009-07-20T18:49:00.002-04:00

I've been crazy busy these last few months and life will stay this busy for quite some time! Which is just fine, but I do need to chill out and relax every so often.

Starting to really get disappointed every month that passes with nothing happening. It's very discouraging. Had a conversation with my Grandmother recently and she says she is hoping for at least 24 great-grandchildren. Yeah, she said 24.

Sometimes I think about all the pros vs cons with having a child and it's damn scary. Then I just give up, to hell with this venture. I don't need to procreate to be happy, which I don't truthfully, but then I think of all the wonderful things about being a parent. I think about the awesome parents Erik and I will be if this happens for us, then a sadness sets in because of the infertility issues I have. I feel like I let my family down and that makes me angry, pissed off.

I'm starting to think about adoption more seriously. We haven't discussed that possibility and probably won't for a few more years. I don't know, I'd just like this to happen for us without any more complications in this aspect of our lives. I've had too many surgeries and treatments for this issue without any success.

When I think back to my ectopic in 2001, I get frustrated and angry. I went through a 6 hour surgery to repair my left tube and a long recovery period for it to end up a failed attempt 2 years later. Maybe it's time I talked to my doctor to see a specialist.

Where's a magic wand when you need one?

It's Here Again!

2009-04-07T21:43:00.002-04:00

And with a vengeance. I don't expect anything actually. My latest blood test reveals NORMAL hormones, so you know what that means? I never had PCOS, but irregular periods and hormone levels due to how fat I was. All of those "symptoms" I was told I had that confirmed a diagnosis of PCOS don't even exist anymore and I'm not sure they ever did. Dark hair growth on an Italian female isn't unusual in the least. I've always had dark hair growth. ALWAYS. Idiot GYN in SINY. Once again a doctor that didn't LISTEN to a fucking word I said.

On a much lighter note.... I'm taking a trip to VA next week for my LAST surgeon's visit! The 28th officially marks 1 year since I had my gastric bypass procedure. I'm going to be finishing up the much needed painting inside the house and continuing the rehabilitation of the yards thanks to some unmentionables. A lovely dinner with some good friends and SHOPPING! I'm hoping it will be warm enough to go to the riverside beach one of the days I'm at the house. I could use some sand, sun, and my book for a few hours.

Spring has started up here and it looks very pretty so far! Planted a lot of seedlings - basil, oregano, cilantro, peppers, tomatoes, kitty grass, and Italian parsley. I already had catnip in my kitchen window during the winter for the kitties. In addition to my herbs, I have three HUGE hyacinths seeping its fragrance throughout the whole kitchen. When the window is open the breeze blows its scent through the rest of the middle floor of the house. I love it! It reminds me of my Grandmom. She tended a family owned greenhouse in the spring and fall until a few months before she died in 1990. The smell makes me sad and happy at the memories of her. Almost 20 years later and I still miss her tremendously.

Carry on with the baby making!

Balanced Now?

2009-02-23T17:04:00.002-05:00

Ok. Hopefully, this whole nearly-no period and a hell-on-wheels period for the last 2 months will have balanced, I hope.

It's been 3 months since I stopped taking my BCPs, so it should be out of my system by now. Are we Tabula Rasa now? I think yes.

Yeaaahhhhhh

2009-02-08T13:41:00.002-05:00

Wait a few days and yeahhhhhhh! We're making up for last month's nearly no-show. Like another CG wife posted a few days ago, uteri suck! I don't have any "fat bloated" sweatpants left, so I've ganked a pair of PIE's. Went clothes shopping yesterday before the bloating swung into full force - 3 shirts and 1 pair of jeans at Kohl's for $16.80, 2 cute as hell dresses (1 for NOLA), several bras and panties, and 3 tops plus a set of beer mugs for $100 at Ross.

On a rather sour note, I keep hearing the "She doesn't deserve a child" whispers. My response to that is, "At least I've proven that I can take care of and love another living being aside from my husband and myself without selfishness, attention whoring, or seeking approval or acceptance from other people." What anyone deserves sure as shit isn't up to you and darwin forbid if it ever was, the whole world would be in chaos thanks to your overwhelming density.

*kisses*

Hasn't come back yet.

2009-02-04T15:29:00.002-05:00

No period. No positive test either. Based on last month's cameo it should be here tomorrow, but with how PCOS works and the fertility issues I've had since I was AD, it would not surprise me if my period does not show up even though a preg test indicates a negative result.

Er..ok....

2009-01-09T04:06:00.002-05:00

Well, that was a pretty short period. Ended on 1/7. Watch, it will come back next week.

It amazes me at how many hits I get on this blog from people who hate me, I mean really have a strong dislike for me. Check out this link that I got from someone who visited this very blog:

http://www.google.com/search?q=why+peoplehate+the+childfree&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&client=safari

This search on google is how they found me, so everyone wave to Ms. Woodhaven, NY!

I'm so pleased that all of you haters come and visit me on a daily basis! *MUWAH*

waves

2009-01-05T02:59:00.002-05:00

A week early! It's cool because now I won't be raggin' on my birthday! Having fun practicing, but then who doesn't?! I think I've miss counted - really need to get that book TCOYF.

I'm so excited to get my first steel-boned corset next week! Gorgeous craftsmanship and quality brocade material. It's a beautiful example of a Victorian style corset. When I tried it on back in November, it relieved some of my back pain. Strange, but not unheard of. I've been told by a few corset builders that they help improve posture. It was very comfortable, which I did not expect.

I want to get my kitties a new scratching post this year - maybe I could find a free one on a pet discussion board or craig's list. Possibly PIE could build one? He's handy and very talented with stuff like that for our furbabies.

Continued thoughts and good luck wishes for all of my friends who are TTCing. It will happen for all of us, we just have to be patient - never has been one of my virtues. Love to all!

Damn.

2009-01-02T04:56:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I'll have my period for my birthday - maybe. Damn it all to effing hell. At least I'll be able to eat at one of my favorite restaurants - The Fat Canary! That place is phenominal! And I'll be able to put MY HOUSE back together. Carpets will be getting cleaned to rid the beagle smell and I'm going to paint it some decent colors. I have some paint already bought for the front room and hallway. Oooooo I can't wait!

Might even rake some leaves while we're down there. Ankh will be going with us too. She'll be so glad to romp around her yard again. Need to clean up Hooba's grave too.

We may have positive test? Maybe? Keep fingers crossed.

Devastated, Heartbroken, Sad

2008-12-12T12:38:00.003-05:00

My heart is completely shattered for the Fox Family. I know that their Princess no longer feels any pain, sorrow, or sadness, but her passing is almost too much to bear. I know that I was nothing more than another user name on Coastie Chicks, but I felt like I was part of the Fox Family every time I saw an update, post, or quick message from Angela.

I cannot imagine anything more heart wrenching than losing a beloved child to this horrible disease - losing a child to anything is awful. Nothing I say or write adequately describes my feelings and emotions right now.

All of my family's thoughts and love go out to the Fox Family. We grieve with you, we support you, and we will continue to comfort you.

7 days long

2008-12-11T15:45:00.002-05:00

Period ended today. The last 4 days had been very light, which is good for me considering how the first few days were and have officially been renamed "The Red Sea" - gross I know, but I cannot think of a more apt title.

Had an adverse reaction to the Caramel Apple creamer last night - made me nauseous, so I will not be putting any of that flavored stuff, not even a hint of it, in my coffee or tea. It was during our driving last night all around Bucks County when it happened and I do not think it was carsickness. It lasted about 20 mins. I really thought I was going to dump (puke). I know how to listen to my body when it tells me it is not happy. Won't be consuming that anymore. I have other pouch-friendly options that taste great!

We've had two gloriously rainy days here!

I cannot wait for Giftmas morning! PIE will be getting everything he wants this year as far as gifts are concerned. The only thing he (and I) will not be getting is our trip to WA for Giftmas to spend with my Mom like we had been planning for the last 8 months. Fortunately, we still have that trip fund to build up even more for next year. I think we'll be taking two trips to WA in 2009 - one for a family reunion and the other for Giftmas/New Year's. YAY! Being frugal and using coupons has saved us over 2K in 2008, which I have been salting away! You have to watch your money wisely no matter what rank you are in the military. In a sense it is a fixed income with the only variable being where you're stationed.

Wow, a bit much ya think?!

2008-12-07T00:56:00.004-05:00

Period showed up yesterday (12/5). Today, however, I've bled through a couple times while at work. This hasn't happened in YEARS. The really cool thing is that I seem to be regulated in my cycle without BCP's! Very stoked. Looks to be about 32 days from start to start.

My job is going great. Had a very rocky day last Monday, but the rest of the week went perfectly! I going to buy a small greenhouse with my Giftmas and birthday money. I can't wait to start my veggies and flowers in February/March! Growing our own produce will save us so much money. I'll be able to take the greenhouse with us back to VA in a couple years too.

I read a post tonight on one of my CG spouses discussion forums about why the OP's SIL doesn't like babies. At 2330 that thread was an hour old and not one response. Delicate thread that could turn VERY ugly very quickly. I may respond to it after all. Some people just have an aversion to small babies and children. They don't want any and don't want to be forced to interact with a child on any level. It may also be because a person does not know how to act around babies and small children. Kids may make them uncomfortable. Maybe they don't know what to do with kids? It might be that don't want to be bothered. Truthfully, the only person that knows why they may not like babies is themselves and they don't have to explain why to anyone. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, wrong with not liking kids.

Meh, I don't have a problem with kids or babies. I just wasn't wanting to replicate for the last decade. I like being CFBC, but I'm having that bio-clock-ticking-away feeling. I will always be angry that my choice of naturally conceiving was pretty much taken away from me by shitty medical practices. Awful.

I'm assuming that since I have a period and that my cycle seems to be normal that I do in fact ovulate, right? I really need to buy that book everyone keeps telling me about.

I juwst put a dasg=h of Nestle's Coffeemate Caramel Apple flavored coffee creamer in my hot tea. OMDOG, is it yummy! I have to only put in a splash because it does have 5g's of sugar per Tablespoon serving.

Cool news: We have a vacation home now! I cannot wait to start decorating it! I need to go to Joann's and buy some fabrics to make curtains. Going to be so much fun!

Ahhh shoes, Ahhhh clothes

2008-12-02T02:53:00.002-05:00

Working at Macy's makes not buying clothes and shoes incredibly HARD! Must resist the temptation to blow my paychecks on clothes and shoes lol.

Due to start my period on the 3rd. Who knows? ;)

WHEW!

2008-11-28T23:14:00.002-05:00

Black Friday was good! PIE did my shopping for me while I was at work. We got some great deals on stuff we needed and got our "tree" for this giftmas too. We're doing an artifical tree becuase the livingroom in this house we're renting is small. We don't want to deal with the needles dropping or having to move a heavy live tree around. Much easier going with a fake tree.

On the pregnancy front...

So far everything is normal from the ovulation pains to days counted until I'm supposed to get my next period. I'll be requesting a hormone check in January during my annual exam. Crossing my fingers that levels will be normal. I feel normal - no crazy mood swings or strange symptoms. I have tons of energy and stamina.

I've lost 91lbs and I'm 7 months post op today! The only part of this WLS that sucks is that I'm back to being a size 34B bra. I'm getting boobs in a few years. I want my D's back dammit! I think I'll have a tummy tuck too. I'd love to have a flat tummy for the first time in my life.

Off to bed, gotta be at work at 0630, oy.

Counting, counting

2008-11-17T01:35:00.002-05:00

That period lasted a bit longer than I wanted, but the fact that I even had one within a normal time frame is promising. I'm down to 133 as of this morning, so I really think that shedding all of my weight has put my cycle back to pretty normal.

My new full time job has been great! I get to work with some pretty awesome people. They've totally taken me under their wing and teaching me the ropes in a very professional manner while still being fun. I'm loving dressing in nice clothes, putting on some makeup, and doing my hair - makes me feel more grownup. Makes me feel professional. I had the manner, but not the look and now I have both!

I'm not going to stress with charting anything or keeping a written record. If it's going to happen it will and if it does we'll be happy of course. If it never does, then we'll be happy nonetheless.

I will be seeing my new GYN in January after my next appt with my WL surgeon in VA. Maybe we can do some blood work to determine what my hormone levels are. I am really curious to see if they've come back to normal like my other bloodwork has.

Day 5

2008-11-07T15:17:00.003-05:00

Day 5 of my period and it's been normal. Should be finished by tomorrow. No icky PMS symptoms, no bloating or cramps. It's weird to not have any of these because even on the pill at various times in my life I've ALWAYS had something. I didn't even have that obligatory day of complete bitchiness and irritation at everything no matter how insignificant. I feel like I've finally taken back control of my body from some unhealthy morbidly obese life-sucking parasite!

Every aspect of my life is progressing perfectly. PIE is much happier these days too! He's done an outstanding job getting healthy and adapting to this new way of eating. I'm so proud of him and his progress!

In three years we have achieved these milestones:

Quit smoking and stay smoke-free
Lost weight - together we've lost 100lbs so far
Improved our way of eating
Started and kept an exercise regimen that we don't get bored with and provides results
Rescued and adopted several animals

I'm very satisfied!

SCORE!

2008-11-04T20:25:00.003-05:00

Started the period yesterday during the day - no big deal, but it tells me that my cycle just maybe starting off normal since stopping my BCPs. The count begins to see if I am in fact back to normal.

Second bit of good news...

My tri's are down to 81!!!!!!! I am waaayyy below the top part of the normal range!!!! WWWWOOOHHHOOO!!!!! My thyriod still requires synthroid, BUT everything else is NORMAL!

*jumps*

Today's weigh-in brings me down to 137.5!

Why Hello Dr. T!

2008-11-03T04:16:00.002-05:00

My PCM Dr. T, is quite the handsome man. He's young (30's), listens to his patients extremely well, and has a great beside manner. He's just like my PCM in VA - love them both! I get to see Dr. T later this morning to review my blood test results from last week. Just a basic check of lipids, Thyroid stuffs, and some other crap I can't recall.

Hoping that my trigylceride count will have dropped below 199. Still that number is a thousand times better than what it was a year ago.

Ok time for bed. LOL!

NADA

2008-11-01T15:11:00.002-04:00

Still no evidence of a period, but that doesn't really mean anything. At least it doesn't with my known history. If nothing shows up by next weekend, I'll take a test and go from there. DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP LADIES.

How does that happen?

2008-10-30T01:46:00.002-04:00

Strange no? How does a die-hard CFBC'er do a 180 and want to have a kid? This wasn't some sudden "I need something new, hey honey let's have a kid!" decision. It's the same decision-making process as thinking about getting a puppy or kitten. It takes time, patience, love, money, and sacrifice. A lot of these feelings have to do with my age and hormones.

I'm 32, 33 in just a few months. I have matured and grown in the last 10 years. Some of my views have changed, some haven't. Opinions and views change with more information, education and experiences. That's called being human. Striving to know and learn more is an aspect of someone's personality that shows they are most likely responsible and don't subscribe to one dimensional thinking. I've met so many people that don't want to learn or educate themselves on things that do affect them. They like to be ignorant of facts and information because to them, changing their mind is showing weakness. That couldn't be further from the truth. It's so sad and pitiful.

Frankly, I'm sick of taking BCPs. Because of my huge weight loss, the strength of the YAZ I was on didn't work anymore. I had two periods in one month. Something has changed. Maybe this change is in my favor?

I could never understand why people think that Childfree people hate kids. Granted some are militant, but the majority of Childfree adults are fine about kids, they just don't see the need to add their genetic makeup into the mix. (Then there are some people that just shouldn't have had kids) Apparently, it's such an alien view that something MUST be wrong with the CFBC right? No. And others who think that are ignorant lumps.

Day what?

2008-10-28T06:28:00.002-04:00

I'm looking at the calendar yesterday counting, recounting, then counting again because I want to make sure that I am, in fact, on day 29. 9/30 was the first day of my last period and counts as day 1, right? Blah.

I forget what day exactly I stopped taking my BCP, but it was around the first couple days of October. Knowing my reproductive organs, I won't get "fertilized" the natural way. All of this was made possible by a peice of shit NP at Humbay, CA back in 1997. It took her 2 years to finally listen to me. Pretty shitty eh?

More times than not I've gotten grossly shitty care through MTFs. The only exception was at Travis AFB in 1999 at their Infertility clinic where I had my fimbrioplasty. My doctor was Dr. Lovely and she was awesome. The nursing staff was extremely attentive and my recovery was so much easier because of the top quality care I received.

Can I have just one kid. Please? Just one is all I ask for. I know what a big surprise this is to everyone because I was such a die hard CFBCer. Most people's crotchfruit are the epitome of evil because they take after their peice of shit parents. It's ashame really that there is this group of humans (they barely qualify as human) in this world that think of most things as just that - things, possessions, objects and other living things they think don't have thoughts, feelings, or emtions. They pass on this abhorrent way to their offspring and the cycle continues.

Since I'm on day 28 or 29 I guess I'm suppose to get my period again. So far no bleeding and no period symptoms have occurred.

Keep your fingers crossed for my very very excellent friend Roni - she's been TTCing for some months now. May her testing reveal a positive outcome! I love you Roni!

Calendar-ing? Yeah, I made that word up.

2008-10-18T03:14:00.002-04:00

Ok so I need to start charting my cycle right? Ok, but first I need to figure out just how long my cycle is and if it is normal. First day of my last period was 9/30 and now I just need to get it again and I'll know how long my cycle is. This will give me the information necessary to figure out just when I ovulate (or supposedly ovulate).

Whew.

Dude, why the hell is this so damn complicated?! (That was a rhetorical question)

Yeah, don't stress about this. Yeah uh, don't tell me to not stress about this cause it just makes me stressed out more.

84 pound weight loss had better have normalized my cycle. I'm SICK TO DEATH of dealing with abnormal reproductive issues. It's annoying. Annoying like some psycho buzzing about the virtual world spazzing on you when they have no earthly idea about any sort of reality that exists. They're like a little fucking fly that won't stop buzzing in your face until you SMASH it into jelly. Um, tangent.

I'm hooking up with some of my high school friends next month! Excited about that. We're also going to start planning our 15 year reunion come January. Ugh, makes me feel old! But, I guarantee that I'll have the wisest and most mature spouse there.

Side note: This blog will be a toned down compared to my other blog since the nature of this blogs' focus is trying to get knocked up. Some emotion will be prevalent like frustrations of trying to conceive and the vicissitudes of conception. I hope that what I write here may in time help at least one other person, whether they be male or female, with their TTC journey.

Disclaimer: Any comments made that are of a stalking, harassing, violent, threatening, and down right taking advantage of my reproductive complications will be removed. Any comment that I do not like will be erased. Appropriate action will be taken, consequences will be administered, and the perps will not like what comes their way at all. This is your only warning.

Starting Out

2008-10-12T03:46:00.002-04:00

A few days ago PIE and I decided to throw out the BC pills and try to get pregnant. Well, me get knocked up lol. With a history of a PID infection that went undiagnosed for nigh on 3 years during my active duty military days, an ectopic pregnancy that took my left tube, and a diagnosis of PCOS in 2006 the chances of me conceiving naturally are pretty slim.

We've decided to take the appropriate vitamins and herbal supplements to increase the likelihood of my ovulation. Stranger things have occurred!

This blog will be a record, pathway, history of my journey towards parenthood. We have chosen to stave off IVF and other fertility drugs for a few years so that nature can have a good chance to do her thing. If that doesn't happen within the next 3 years, then we'll revisit the scientific intervention option.

Stay tuned.....